Vs. Gravity (a 2015 report​-​back in full​-​length form)

by Butterfly Bandage

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02:28
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02:44
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03:48
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04:32
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12.

credits

released April 1, 2016

beautiful painting on the cover by adam knapp; vandalism by mackenzie morris

thanks to cris iacoponi for providing cello on "baby every time i look at u i think damn thats a weird ass horse"

also thanks to nicki duval for providing general counsel on the format of this release

special shout out to jinx ketchie and sage grey for help with songwriting

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Butterfly Bandage Philadelphia, Pennsylvania

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Track Name: i wanna be a cat
life is cold
life is painful
sometimes not
but all thats good is still cruel
theres no ethical way to be alive
but i want so badly to try
to be a force for something nice
but im so tired and im not alright

i wanna be a cat
i wanna die young
and i wanna be loved
because of what i am
dont wanna ever say a single word again
wouldnt need to do a thing to help my friends
but sit with them
because of what i am

i wanna be a cat
dont wanna go to school
dont wanna get a job
just wanna play and sleep
turn my mind off
i dont wanna last

and when i die just put me down with that nice painless stuff
ill never be an adult
and i will always be loved

if i grow old
and be faithful
to my g-d
and to my friends and to the people
i will have tried against the odds to stay alive
when ive wanted so badly to die
will i be a force for something nice
will i be tired and will i be alright
Track Name: im the kid
im the kid who wont believe u love me
but im still surprised when my closest friends betray me
i interpret almost every action as hostility toward me
but then when u finally definitely do something awful im not ready

i wish i was ready to die
i wish i was ready to die tonight
i wish i was ready to die
no one loves me no matter what u say
i wish i was ready to die
i wish i was ready to die tonight
i wish i was ready to die
i doubt i will ever be ready

im the kid who wont believe u love me
hopefully the life i live serves as a lesson for posterity
i wish there were more examples of people older than me
who are transgender especially non-binary
so i dont have another reason to see myself dying before i hit 30
im always singing about suffering
but deep down i dont want to become a tragedy

please dont let me become a tragedy

i wish i was ready to die
i wish i was ready to die tonight
i wish i was ready to die
no one loves me no matter what u say
i wish i was ready to die
i wish i was ready to die tonight
i wish i was ready to die
i doubt i will ever be ready

im the kid who wont believe u love me
(im that kid)
im the kid who cant tell if ur talking to me
(im that kid)
im the kid who doesnt know what to think
(im that kid)
im the kid whos literally afraid to eat or drink
(im that kid)
im the kid who wont believe u love me
Track Name: baby every time i look at u i think damn thats a weird ass horse
this is a song about
how i am not prepared
and how i am still always scared
how i dont feel safe anywhere
if anything helps me, i lose my grip
fast enough to get hurt
when i slip, when i slip
im sorry, can i help u
understand what to do, what to do
when its out of our hands
but u are not me, i am not u
could we do more than
either alone could do

but no matter what it seems
that i am not prepared
and that i am still always scared
that i dont feel safe anywhere
and every moment is a battle
against gravity, or against my heartbeat

still every other time u tell me that u care
ill get a chill that runs up through my hair
and i havent seen the best of u, i havent seen the worst
and u dont know what im made of yet, u dont know what im worth

but can u feel it, can u feel it
even when we havent spoken
there is something else between us
that tells me im not yet broken

but it will never be enough
i will never be pure
i am burdened by this shame, fear and unfathomable hurt
i feel unsafe in my body, i feel unsafe with my friends
i still feel unsafe with u but i am trying to pretend
and maybe ill get to healing but i cant rely on this
no i cant rely on anything thats the point i cant miss
pretty soon therell be a weapon where my heart should be
cause every moment is a battle against gravity, or against my heartbeat
Track Name: its all in ur head, it pours out ur ears
watch me do the last thing id like
oh g-d, just kill me now
try to be cool. i cant talk right
oh g-d, just kill me now
did i fuck up. did i do that
oh g-d, just kill me now
try to reach u. i get nothing
oh g-d, just kill me now

i cant believe u
i cant believe myself
is there a way out
of everything i do
that i say i cant help
is that really the truth

watch me do the last thing id like
oh g-d, just kill me now
did i fuck up. did i do that
oh g-d, just kill me now
try to be cool. i cant talk right
oh g-d, just kill me now
try to reach u. i get nothing
oh g-d, just kill me now

i cant believe u
i cant believe myself
is there a way out
of everything i do
that i say i cant help
is that really the truth
Track Name: a short and simple song dedicated to everyone who is inconsiderate sometimes without realizing it and doesnt want to be inconsiderate but thats what happened and u really wish it had happened differently and are not sure how to apologize or if that would help very much
into the ocean let the water raise
the hair on the back of ur neck
and ur ears make the sound of an oncoming train
itll run u over itll run everyone over
and u cant have fun until u have atoned for ur sins
and ur squandered innocence

but please open the door
for me to leave
i probably will come back
or i mean
i dont think i will be gone forever yet
i dont think i am gone forever yet
Track Name: to be good
i cant believe
i got it right
i got it right
for once
i cant believe
i didnt die
i didnt die
is this enough
to change my life
i never meant
for things to be like this
but i feel blessed that ive lived to see it
and all the ways ive tried
and all the ways ive hurt
has this ever been what i deserved
is there anyone who really gets that
to be good is to be sad

to take care of each other is to feel for each other
to take care of each other is to feel
Track Name: on purpose
vulnerable shallow lungs
everything but pain is forgotten
poison poison world u are someone
inside a mind and body rotten
giving ur life for anything
while for urself see no solution
life is life is life is not a dream
waiting to wake up death is permanent

hands in ur pockets
walking down market
the sky is dark and
u see it like this
it was on purpose
the world is ruined
it was on purpose
ur no longer with us
it was on purpose
to leave so many victims
structure and system
living is killing
what is forgiveness
mourning ur children
it was on purpose
where is the revolution

disability controlling u
how do u live through all the hurting
u will carry on that is what u
will tell urself and keep repeating
tired and wasting time theyre telling u
theres so much more u could be doing
u dont know how much of that is true
ull do whatever u can to change things

what have u known in ur life
to make things better
what have u done in ur life
to make things better
what can u do to stay alive
to make things better
what all will u leave behind
to make things better
Track Name: i will wear a shirt that says "i have given up" but i will not give up
u said its not like u
i dont know what i am like
u said u neednt worry
i will make sure its alright

i want to think i dont care what u do
im not bothered by u
im alright
i want to think what ur saying isnt new
of course i noticed that
im very bright or we’re very tight
easy to sleep at night

or in the day or any time
im so laid back i have nothing to hide
im just a normal kid living my life
i am cis and straight, i dont wanna die
i wanna live forever dont give me back to the sky
i have always been and ill always b alright
if u still believe that i am very surprised
that is to say, u worry me and its fine
i have not given up but i want to leave behind the lies
Track Name: im gay (sex cw)
im afraid of u touching me
im afraid of us coming into contact
im afraid of everything
but i dont want that
i dont want that
and everything that i see
has left some kind of impression on me
im always wondering
why there is some part of me thats living
thats the part of me that wants to die
the part of me thats most dead is the part wanting to live
and i am trying not to cry
in front u, in front of my friends

i wish i could kiss u
u told me u would like that
if i wasnt so fucked up
if my emotions could calm down and let me have fun
i wish u could fuck me
u told me u would like that
if i didnt hate my body
if i could just let myself trust somebody

i have a suicide dream
where i jump off a building
but i just keep falling
falling forever
Track Name: its ok
its ok
im almost ready
its ok
ill be ready soon
if i can believe, keep my fingers steady
if i can believe that i can make it through
then its ok
im almost ready
its ok
ill be ready soon
if i can believe, keep my fingers steady
if i can believe that i can make it through

i dont want ur pity
i dont want ur love
i dont want anything that i can rely on to keep my head up
actually
i want ur pity
and i want ur love
i want everything that i can rely on to keep my head up
actually
i dont want ur pity
i dont want ur love
i dont want anything that i can rely on to keep my head up
actually
i want ur pity
and i want ur love
i want everything that i can rely on to keep my head up

2:22 and 11:11
6 in the morning now its almost 7
and i wanna be gone, and i wanna be gone
and i wanna be done with this
practice my music make it out to the action
gonna go back to school as i pray a chains reactions
gonna change my whole life
i dont know whats gonna happen, i just wanna be done with this

for all i know i wont remember a thing
for all i know our separations gonna sting
and i dont know how long ill live
but one of us is gonna miss the other
Track Name: happy birthday (for sage)
on a regular basis
the best and the worst coincide
on a regular basis
i fear for a life
cause on a regular basis
im happy ur alive
and on a regular basis
almost everyone we know wants to die

its not hard
to make someone feel pain
and its not hard
to make someone feel ashamed
but its very hard
to get through the day, through the week, through the year
happy birthday

on a regular basis
the light of the day turns to night
on a regular basis
people will carry on in spite
of the regular basis
on which pain will consume the human mind
and on a regular basis
things do not improve in time
but on a regular basis
we can never know the things that we will find

and its not hard
to make someone feel pain
and its not hard
to make someone feel ashamed
but its very hard
to get through the day, through the week, through the year
happy birthday
Track Name: help (outro for self)
i tried to write a song about it
i thought that it would help me
i listened to some songs about it
i thought that it would help me
i tried to tell a friend about it
i thought that it would help me
i tried to pray to g-d about it
i thought that it would help me

but nothing helps me until it does
nothing helps me until it does
nothing helps me until it does
nothings helps me until its been long enough